Hunger pains

I'm so hungry it hurts. I've used 17.5 points today and I need to save the rest to make up for the massive mess I made of my diet on the weekend. I ate dinner at 6pm because I couldn't handle another second without food.

I forgot how much I hated this part...

My father made the observation that it is so much easier to lose weight in the warmer months because when you get hungry you can go out and do something. In winter, all there is for it is TV and trying desperately to convince myself that I'm not really hungry. There are going to be a miserable few months ahead of me.

I think I've found my weakness...

Eating well is easy on the weekdays. My life is predictable and I can plan my food.

The weekend is another story entirely. This weekend I shocked myself realising how unhealthy I am most of the time. I just don't think! It makes it hard that as a very social single girl, my life revolves around social eating and drinking. I don't want to be "that girl" who always picks apart the menu and ruins dinner for everyone, but I also don't want to weigh this much anymore. Does that make any sense? I guess I want to keep enjoying my friends and my lifestyle but I need to learn to make healthy choices and feel comfortable doing so.

On Saturday night I went to dinner with a couple. They took me to a favourite restaurant of theirs and were very excited about showing me this place. My friend ordered for everyone. I didn't want to ruin the experience for her by refusing to eat the food she was so excited to show me. Even as I type this, I can see how foolish this is but I have no idea how to change things.

When I did my gym junkie phase I was horrible and annoying. I'd go out for dinner and eat nothing but steamed vegies. It always became a topic of conversation and then the other girls would start changing their orders to 'healthier' options. In some ways, yes, it is good to be inspiring others to make good food choices. Most of my friends are very healthy weights. They enjoy their lives and their food and I hate thinking that I am guilting them into changing the order. Particularly because eventually I will stop getting invited to certain dinners because people just want to have a good time without worrying about the silent food police sitting in the corner. Which is what happened before.

I know I have to change things to lose this weight. I just didn't expect to have to change myself so much and I'm really sad about that.

Honesty

Today I had a blow out - almost. I was really unhappy with myself for making such a mess of things on only day two.

Someone at work brought in Lindor, my favourite. I had two (4 points). Then everyone decided it was a good day for pub lunch (14 points). I came back to the office at 230pm, added my points and realised I was already three points over my daily allowance. I decided to write today off and start again tomorrow.

BUT THEN I managed to drink lots of water and have a massive point free salad for dinner. And with four points left over from yesterday I was home free.

I'm going to bed feeling very pleased with myself.

The Motivations!

I want to look good naked.

I want to look amazing in jeans and a bra - not sure why, I just do!

I don't want to be 'the big girl' anymore.

I don't want to be the biggest bridesmaid at the weddings I'm predicting in 2011.

I want to stand out for something other than my size.

I want to feel comfortable in jeans - and no muffin top!

I want to be able to run City2Surf with my sister.

I want to fit into my red dress.

A girlfriend is almost as tall as me and I have always admired her figure. She has told me she currently weighs 70.9 kilos. This has reaffirmed my goal - if there is a chance I can look as good as her, it is worth trying this.

It begins...

Once again, I am trying to lose weight. 30 kilograms, to be exact.

So I'm Jen and I'm trying again.

The first time I tried to lose weight I must have been 16. My cousin wrote me a diet that basically said "No diet coke" and somehow that led me to food obsessions. I ate only baby food one week, the next week I'd eat nothing but raw carrot.

The next time I tried I was 17. I mimicked my mother's weight watchers program. The points system was a slippery slope for me. I went from aiming to get under 20 points per day to under 18. Then 15. Then 10. Then I stopped eating. When my doctor found out she banned me from counting my food.

After a particularly bad break up when I was 19 I gave up carbs. Suddenly, in my head, everything contained carbs. I stopped eating again. I remember one of my friends begging me to eat a piece of roast beef. I felt so much contempt for her, this tiny, thin girl with a beautiful smile who never had to worry about this. I totally disregarded her advice. Eventually the fainting started and another doctor intervened.

When I was 22 I became a total gym junkie. In one way I suppose it was better than before, but I went six days a week and stopped seeing my friends. It was during this time I reached my lowest ever weight - 88 kilograms. My boyfriend at the time told me once that I was the hottest thing he had ever seen and I can't remember ever feeling so good about myself. Eventually I ended up lonely and miserable. I looked ok - I still wasn't happy with my body. In exchange I had lost my friends. A dear friend intervened and suggested there was no point being thinner if I was so unhappy. I took his advice and somehow my attempts to cut back on the gym resulted in me giving it up entirely.

When I was 25 I begged my young GP for a script for Reductil. I couldn't sleep and my heart was racing but I wasn't hungry. It was amazing. I lost 10 kilos and then my GP said she wouldn't give me another script. I was begging other friends to ask their doctors for a script and then give the meds to me. Another dear friend pointed out that I was teetering on the edge of addiction and helped me give it up.

And so here I am. 26. 101.2 kilograms. 177 cms tall. Size 16. Size 18 on a bad day. My highest weight ever is 105. I've signed up to Weight Watchers with my boss and a colleague whom I trust.

When I was 23 I bought a red dress. Strapless shot silk. Above the knee. It fit me perfectly. I looked amazing. I still love the photos from the one night I wore the dress. The dress still hangs in my cupboard and I dream that one day, one day, I might just get into it again.

I have told my weight loss buddies about my last experience with a calorie counting style program and they have promised to keep an eye on me.

I know all the lines - its a lifestyle change, blah blah blah. I've feel like I know everything there is to know about weight loss.

It didn't take years for penicillin to catch on. There is no magic weight loss drug or everyone would be on it. I tried a great weight loss drug but it turns out that drug killed people. I'm not so comfortable with that.

So, day one is done. I want to lose 30 kilos by summer - I have 26 weeks to lose it to be at my goal weight by summer. I'd really like to be at my goal weight still at this time next year. I'm notoriously fickle with projects but I'm hoping that this blog will continue for at least one year.

Please comment. Its good to know I'm not alone in this.