It begins...

Once again, I am trying to lose weight. 30 kilograms, to be exact.

So I'm Jen and I'm trying again.

The first time I tried to lose weight I must have been 16. My cousin wrote me a diet that basically said "No diet coke" and somehow that led me to food obsessions. I ate only baby food one week, the next week I'd eat nothing but raw carrot.

The next time I tried I was 17. I mimicked my mother's weight watchers program. The points system was a slippery slope for me. I went from aiming to get under 20 points per day to under 18. Then 15. Then 10. Then I stopped eating. When my doctor found out she banned me from counting my food.

After a particularly bad break up when I was 19 I gave up carbs. Suddenly, in my head, everything contained carbs. I stopped eating again. I remember one of my friends begging me to eat a piece of roast beef. I felt so much contempt for her, this tiny, thin girl with a beautiful smile who never had to worry about this. I totally disregarded her advice. Eventually the fainting started and another doctor intervened.

When I was 22 I became a total gym junkie. In one way I suppose it was better than before, but I went six days a week and stopped seeing my friends. It was during this time I reached my lowest ever weight - 88 kilograms. My boyfriend at the time told me once that I was the hottest thing he had ever seen and I can't remember ever feeling so good about myself. Eventually I ended up lonely and miserable. I looked ok - I still wasn't happy with my body. In exchange I had lost my friends. A dear friend intervened and suggested there was no point being thinner if I was so unhappy. I took his advice and somehow my attempts to cut back on the gym resulted in me giving it up entirely.

When I was 25 I begged my young GP for a script for Reductil. I couldn't sleep and my heart was racing but I wasn't hungry. It was amazing. I lost 10 kilos and then my GP said she wouldn't give me another script. I was begging other friends to ask their doctors for a script and then give the meds to me. Another dear friend pointed out that I was teetering on the edge of addiction and helped me give it up.

And so here I am. 26. 101.2 kilograms. 177 cms tall. Size 16. Size 18 on a bad day. My highest weight ever is 105. I've signed up to Weight Watchers with my boss and a colleague whom I trust.

When I was 23 I bought a red dress. Strapless shot silk. Above the knee. It fit me perfectly. I looked amazing. I still love the photos from the one night I wore the dress. The dress still hangs in my cupboard and I dream that one day, one day, I might just get into it again.

I have told my weight loss buddies about my last experience with a calorie counting style program and they have promised to keep an eye on me.

I know all the lines - its a lifestyle change, blah blah blah. I've feel like I know everything there is to know about weight loss.

It didn't take years for penicillin to catch on. There is no magic weight loss drug or everyone would be on it. I tried a great weight loss drug but it turns out that drug killed people. I'm not so comfortable with that.

So, day one is done. I want to lose 30 kilos by summer - I have 26 weeks to lose it to be at my goal weight by summer. I'd really like to be at my goal weight still at this time next year. I'm notoriously fickle with projects but I'm hoping that this blog will continue for at least one year.

Please comment. Its good to know I'm not alone in this.